Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

It has been said that grief is the price of love, which means that all who love will grieve. There is no way to go through life without loss. And doing without love is no way to go through life. So accepting grief is important, even necessary, to fully embracing this life. After a recent loss in my life, I have been thrown back into the deep waters of grief. It is not the first time, and won’t be the last. But here are ten things that I am learning/remembering about grief. I share these to remind myself, but also with the prayer that they may help others who find themselves in these same unwelcome waters. 

1. Grief Is Exhausting

Grief is exhausting! Being intentional about grief is very hard work, especially in the early days of a significant loss. But it helps simply to realize that a significant part of your energy will be taken up with this task. Plan on it being very consuming and completely exhausting. 

2. We Don’t Wear Black Anymore (But Perhaps We Should)

Our world will not help us to grieve. We don’t wear black when we are mourning anymore, and after the funeral our world is ready to get back to how things were. But we aren’t. Things will never be the same for us. But it is not helpful to expect the world to help us mourn. We must find ways to do that ourselves. If we are to keep on living and loving, we must do the hard work of grieving. 

3. We Can’t Ignore Grief Forever

Grief can be ignored, but not forever. The body knows the score, as it has been said, and will eventually force us to face the grief that is there. As Martha W. Hickman puts it, “The journey through grief has a varied landscape but no permanent detours.” We can’t completely ignore our grief. On the other hand, it is okay to take breaks from our grief. It does not lessen our loss to laugh, play, or have a little fun. Our loss will still be there. It’s not going anywhere. 

4. Grief Is Intensely Personal

Grief is intensely personal – no one has experienced your loss in the same way. Because of that, it can even feel like a lonely task. Even our closest loved ones cannot fully understand our deeply personal grief. Expecting others to fully understand our grief only sets us up for disappointment. And even those who are grieving the very same loss will not grieve in the same way. We must take part of this journey on our own. 

5. Sharing Our Grief Is Healing

On the other hand, sharing our grief can be very healing. Telling the story of our loss, sharing memories of our loved one (or stories of whatever the loss happens to be), finding ways to open up and share our grief, all of this is very healing. And if you know someone who is grieving, don’t be afraid to ask them about it! They are usually very grateful to have their loss acknowledged and their loved one remembered. I love how Drew Holcomb puts it in a song of grief about his brother, “You Never Leave My Heart,” when he sings: “It’s always a benediction, to be reminded that you’re gone.” Yes.

6. Grief Cannot Be Compared

Grief cannot be compared – every loss is unique, just as every person is unique. We should not feel guilty about our grief because it seems as though our loss is less than another’s. Our grief is our own, and it is what it is. And we certainly shouldn’t judge another person’s grief! Just as one example, I remember a friend who seemed to be completely overwhelmed by the loss of their pet. Of course they were! This pet was their last living connection to their child, whose pet it had been before their unexpected death. As it has often been said, “Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”  

7. New Grief Awakens Old Grief

New grief often awakens old grief, and our grief layers itself with every new loss. My mother’s death, for example, re-awakened grief over my father (who died 18 months before my mom), and my sister (who died in 2007), and even the home I grew up in (which burned to the ground in 1989). Grief layers itself in surprising ways, and our losses become intertwined in a way that is impossible to untangle. That’s okay. Just do the work of grief, and trust that the threads will sort themselves out. 

8. Grief Can Come in Unanticipated Waves

Yes, grief seems to come in waves, but these waves can seem more like tornadoes than hurricanes – they are not easily tracked, and can hit without warning. We can see some waves coming, of course – birthdays and holidays, etc. – but in my experience, it is often the days we don’t see coming that can hit the hardest. I have been blindsided by my grief over a song, movie, conversation, picture, etc. 

9.  The Only Wrong Way to Grieve Is Not To

Finding ways to remember and to lament our losses is always helpful to the work of grief. It doesn’t help to ignore it or to minimize it. Play the sad song, look through the old photos, talk about the loss. Visit the cemetery. Journal. Write notes to your loved one. Read books about grief. It is almost never a mistake to do any of these things, in my experience. 

10. You Can Cooperate with Grief, But Not Control It

Finally, I have found that you can cooperate with your grief, but you can’t control it. Yes, doing the work of grief helps you work through grief; that’s what I mean by cooperating with your grief. But you can’t simply decide to go from this stage to this to this. You can just walk the path, and trust that it will lead you through the wilderness of your grief. You can’t decide to be sad for a certain number of days and weeks, and then be done with it. That’s not how grief works. It will never go away completely, just as your love for them will never go away. But over time, I have found that being intentional about our grief helps it to go from an unwelcome burden to a faithful companion. Not as needy anymore, but still present. Just like our love for those we grieve – always present as a faithful companion.

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Here are six books that I found helpful as I have grieved:

1. Good Grief by Granger Westberg
2. Healing After Loss by Martha W. Hickman
3. A Hole in the World by Amanda Held Opelt
4. Love, Remember by Malcolm Guite
5. A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
6. A Letter of Consolation by Henri Nouwen